The Lying Goracle

In Africa, drought continues for the sixth consecutive year. Gasp!
Record rainfall in parts of the U.S., Pakistan, and Japan causes some of the worst flooding in centuries. Oh No!
New England and all of Northern Europe have experienced their mildest winters ever on record. We Are So Screwed!

All of this was written in TIME Magazine, so it must be true, it just has to be the end of the world! The article goes on to say that all of this is the halmark for the beginning of the planet going into another ice age. Wait, ice age, huh? It’s all right there in the article from TIME Magazine and it’s dated: Monday, June 24, 1974. According to the article fossil fuel emissions were causing us to go into another ice age. Now, 30 years later, the same fossil fuel emissions are doing the exact opposite? WTF?

Thankfully, we can make up for our global transgressions by “going green”. The new way of cashing in on the populaces “Eco guilt”. We are all supposed to think that we are somehow to blame for messing up the planet. Maybe we are, I’m not saying we’re not. There’s some evidence that we are, but there is just as much that says we’re not. Even if we are what do we do about it? And whatever we come up with to do, will it even work?

The EPA, these days, should stand for Egregiously Pushy Assholes, as every day we are bombarded by warnings that the polar caps are melting, rivers are drying up, and polar bears are dying. All these “Eco Avengers” have made the green movement huge. These hypocrites are the same people that drive their SUV’s all around the planet going from one rally to the next trying to make me feel guilty! Let’s talk about the great, important, and awe inspiring job that is being done by the “American Hero” Mr. Al Gore. Al Gore has told us, through a highly exaggerated power point slide show, that our planet is in the middle of an “environmental emergency” called global warming. Oh, really?

John Coleman, the man who founded the Weather Channel (not the internet) and was also the original weather man on Good Morning America and is a meteorologist of the highest respect disagrees. Mr. Coleman states that global warming is "a fictional, manufactured crisis, and a total scam.". In 2008 he gave a speech before the San Diego Chamber of Commerce, blaming the "global warming scam" and environmentalist lobby, for rising gas and food prices. He also declared the scam "a threat to our economy and our civilization.". According to Coleman, the fluctuations in our global temperature are not caused by fossil fuel emissions but rather by the actual trends of solar activity. The change in temperature and of our climate is in direct correlation with the core temperature of the sun. Nothing at all to do with the use of hydrocarbons. The problem with this statement is there is no money to be made from the cause of global warming being the sun. Now who the hell does this Weather Channel guy think he is? Al Gore has to be right. He won an Oscar for Christ’s sake and he was given the Nobel Peace Prize. Wait, why was he awarded the Nobel Peace Prize? I guess that prophesizing doom is supposed to be peaceful?

Counselors and therapists are now making thousands of dollars on people who suffer from “Eco Anxiety”. Ever since the green movement took off these people have been popping up all over the planet trying to alleviate our guilt for doing things we believe are killing the planet. In case you are wondering if you have it, check out the symptoms; stomach ache, headache, feelings of nervousness but not knowing why, inattention or an inability to focus or concentrate. Even the Psychiatric Board of America, who are usually pretty goddamn goofy themselves, fail to recognize these symptoms or accept “Eco Anxiety” as a real diagnosis. That doesn’t stop these counselors from selling their treatments. The treatment, of course, does nothing for these “Eco Eeyores” but reinforce their green guilt.

Have you heard of the term “carbon footprint”? A carbon footprint is the amount of carbon dioxide or CO2 we produce. Unlike Cheeks, most of us are good and don’t want to destroy the world with their gases. So how can we be sure we are not flooding Mother Earth with our carbon? Shorter showers, lowering the thermostat in the winter, and wearing our clothes twice before we wash them. Done! Done! And Done! Shit, I guess I’m in the clear. In truth, 97% of all carbon is caused naturally and only 3% is actually man made. So what is the biggest natural causes? How about decaying plant matter, volcanoes, and forest fires. So I guess if Smokey the Bear was doing his frigging job and we banned volcanoes and decaying plant matter we’d all be in the clear. If all of this doesn’t put your mind at ease about how much carbon is in your footprint, how about buying some “carbon credits”?

Now what the hell is a carbon credit? A carbon credit is basically a voluntary guilt fine you can pay as another way of easing your troubled mind. In the late middle ages the Catholic church needed cash. They sent out official representatives to the masses called professional pardoners to speak to the sinners (read: everybody). These professional pardoners told the sinners that for a bit of cash their sins would be forgiven. No penance and no purgatory. Of course the bigger the sin, the bigger the fine. These fines were called “indulgences”. Suffer eternal agony or give up the fun of all those sins? You need a “get out of hell free card” and you get one if you pay the fun tax. But they sure were not free. These sin taxes were a huge money maker until Martin Luther came along in the 1500’s and cried “Bullshitteth”. What all this means is you offset your carbon usage with a carbon credit which is reinvested in renewable energy. Things like solar energy, wind power, and reforestation. None of the way that carbon credits are figured out is based on actual scientific method or formula. For that matter there is no standard of practice or oversight for how the money is actually used. Basically put, this all means that anyone could make up a web site and take money for these carbon credits and then use it for whatever they wanted. Nobody would really be that low would they? So is that what this bizarre hokey pokey is really all about? Not really saving the planet, just feeling less guilty.

Let’s get back to Al Gore, I didn’t forget about this douche bag. How is Al doing at walking the walk? According to public records, Al Gore uses about 20 times more electricity that the average American. In 2007 Gore’s twenty(yeah, 20) room mansion used over 191,000 kilowatts of electricity as opposed to the average American, who uses about 11,000 kilowatts. In one month the “heroic” Al Gore uses the amount most people use in 17 months. Looks like Al isn’t as worried as he says WE should be. Al Gore doesn’t even deny this fact. He is currently installing solar panels and changing his incandescent light bulbs with fluorescents. Wow, what a fucking martyr. Hold on while I wipe the stardust out of my eyes. Look, there was a tear there too. All of this Al Gore does and he also buys carbon credits to make up for it. But wait a minute, remember what I said about carbon credits and the web sites you can buy them from?

Al Gore started the company, Generation Investment Management, the company that owns the web site Al buys his carbon credits from. Holy shit, can this be true? He started the company in 2004. Two years before his Oscar winning little movie. So Al pays himself for his carbon credits. I wonder if everyone else that uses his web site to buy their carbon credits helped pay for the solar panels on his mansion? How’s that for an inconvenient truth? None of that really matters though because the true believers are the environmentalists. To them their beliefs are like a religion and if it’s like a religion then Al must really be a profit. Oh, sorry, prophet.

If you still feel guilty about your daily impact on the planet, send me twenty bucks that I can use in the Western Windmill Fund in Walla Walla Washington that we are going to use to power all of the adult diagnostic clinic there where people who have sexually abused emus and other large flightless birds are being rehabilitated so they can readjust and be sent back into the population.

Now give me a hug and start up the SUV I am so hitting the Starbucks!