Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What's the street value of wizards' bones?



Seeing as how it seems a little lonely lately, especially with Cerpts not doing his traditional (if something is done once is it still considered a tradition? well it is now) October Halloween Themed Blog I decided to try and pick up some of the slack. That's what you do when you are a friend. Make no mistake, my Halloween blog posts won't be anywhere near as good as Cerpts' are/were or will be again but hopefully I can hold you over for a bit. My sister blog over at the Dharma and Greg Project is kind of on a holding pattern so it goes without saying that I have a little time on my hands. Russ, who I usually do this blog with, decided to go and blow up his computer so he won't be posting any time soon, at least that was what I was told a few days ago. So that leaves my dance card wide open. With all that being said, I wanted to begin with a review of a movie that Cerpts recently reviewed on his blog. The Resurrected.



Based on a novella or short story, depending on which side of the bed you get out of, by H.P. Lovecraft, The Resurrected stars a LOST favorite John Terry as private detective John March. One fine morning while waiting for coffee or maybe tea, Claire Ward walks into March's office and needs his services. It seems the forlorn bride wants to know what her hubby, Charles Dexter Ward (played to the creepy hilt by Chris Sarandon, it's no wonder Susan couldn't stay married to him!) is up to. Fun time Charlie is following a path of darkness and learning that genealogy has a price. Too bad that price involves his life and a lot, and I mean a lot of blood. Now I'm not a big H.P. fan when it comes to his stories making the big screen. That's not his fault. With that being said, this has to be my favorite movie based on a Lovecraft story. It builds slowly but not enough to make you reach for the remote to fast forward a bit into the movie. The dread builds at a nice even pace and even though the movie was made on a shoestring budget and was released direct to video (which usually makes me very leery), it still does a fairly good job of delivering the suspense.



There's gore too, poor Lonnie, March's assistant, played by Robert Ramanus (yes, Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High) gets eaten when he falls into a pit filled with the abominations that were Charlie's failed experiments. Maybe when you go into a creepy dark crypt it's a good idea to bring more than one flashlight. We all can learn that from this movie. And never drop a lantern! Never! Like I said, poor Lonnie, and he had just stopped smoking so he could live longer.

When I say Sarandon plays a creepy Charles Dexter Ward, I really mean he plays a really creepy Joseph Curwen. Curwen is Ward's recently reincarnated ancestor who needs to feast on raw meat and a lot of blood to stay alive. I told you there was a lot of blood in this movie.



The movie starts very promising; Orderlies and a doctor are summoned to a room in a mental hospital. A janitor with a mop (they need a mop - not good) repeats over and over that he refuses to go inside. The room is a mess; blood and gore cover most of the floor and an inexplicable pile of black ash is near the center of the room. How did this come to pass? Brace yourself, because the remainder of the story is a flashback. I can almost hear the whooshing LOST flashback music.



Claire describes her husband as acting strangely and working late at night in the old carriage house that he turned into a laboratory. Only, he was not just working late. Strange lights would flicker in the windows and howling cries would issue from the place. After Claire had confronted her husband, he abruptly moved out and took everything to a dilapidated old house in the country. His only companion was the strange man he called "Doctor Ash." Who by the way is also played by Sarandon. Did he get extra pay for all these parts? The old house in the country has been in the Ward family for generations, and a miasma hangs in the air around the dwelling. In addition to disturbing the neighbors with dreadful sounds in the night, Charles has been ordering prodigious quantities of raw meat and blood from slaughterhouses. After the neighbor is found dead and missing most of his flesh, the private investigator and Claire know that something is horribly wrong. Distraught as she might be, the little lady is able to tell John about the mysterious trunk that was mailed to her husband. Its contents were what started Charles down his dark road. The house is downright eerie, good thing they have a lot of those houses in New England no props had to be built for that.



The Revolutionary flashback is also very disturbing especially the fleshy, still kind of alive, thing they fish out of the swollen river. But the best part of the movie is when the trio is in the deepest parts of the cellar. The "what's waiting around the corner" feeling was very strong and the actors conveyed the feeling very well. I would be remiss if I did not add that the music was low key, not overbearing but just added the appropriate touch to give it a little extra dread.



The movie ends in the padded cell where the movie began. March goes to confront Ward/Curwen who is in the loony bin. For a movie that did what most other Lovecraft movies could not do which is hold my interest, scare me a bit and impress me with how the story translated to the screen, the last scene with March and Curwen fell short for me. It almost felt like they were running out of time to shoot the film and just went with their first couple of takes. It felt rushed and although it didn't ruin the movie for me, it did make it feel like an episode of Tales From the Crypt instead of a movie. The last ten minutes should have been better the first 90 minutes deserved it to be.



All in all not a bad flick and like I said in the realm of H.P. Lovecraft stories that hit the big screen, this one is fairly well done. I give it two and a half fangs out of four. Hopefully I have done a good job of giving you my review of this movie. My apologies to Cerpts, Weaverman, and others who I have read their reviews through links on Cerpts' blog, hope I didn't do too bad of a job at being a reviewer. Thanks for letting me give it a shot.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Overflow



This one is for Cerpts. Here's a nice pic of his latest Hollywood crush. Not bad at all.



One more with the wide lens.



Making sure we keep both factions happy, here's one of Lizzy, for me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Week Three NFL Picks



Since I know there are so many people waiting for our picks for the week before they can do anything else this weekend, here they are:

Russ' Picks:

Atlanta - Buffalo - New England - Seattle - Denver his upset pick is Pittsburgh (which pisses me off a bit 'cause they are playing the Eagles but notice he isn't picking his cowgirls to win. Interesting!)

My Picks:

Buffalo - Giants - New England - Indianapolis (they have to win one sometime, don't they?) - Seattle (they have to win one sooner or later as well, right?) and my upset pick of the week is Arizona (I have no idea why they are even getting points this week, seems a little lopsided there.

Russ leads me by a point as we go into this weeks games. I was also told that I should add to this list that it is, of course, for entertainment purposes only. Got that?

Tootles!


MONDAY UPDATE MONDAY UPDATE MONDAY UPDATE

Russ gets four points to bring his total to 11 he had Atlanta, Buffalo, Seattle, and Denver right.

I got three points to equal 9 points. I got Buffalo, NY Giants, and Seattle right. I need a big week next week.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Week 2 NFL Picks


Here are the week 2 picks for me and Cheeks. Somebody has got to tell me how he got that name by the way. Cerpts I'm thinking you can fill in the missing years for me about the origin to that one!
my picks:
Giants - cause if the eagles can beat the Rams the Giants have to be able to
Seattle - they lost last week but they played in the remnants of Hannah
Arizona - Hopefully there is still some magic in Kurt Warner or at least enough to get them past the Dolphins this week. Miami has won 1 game in their last 20 I see a pattern there
Pittsburgh - My Super Bowl pick for the AFC now that Brady is out for the year
Dallas - My NFC pick for the bowl they are also my team and did I mention America's team and Jessica Simpson likes them too
My upset pick this week is Atlanta over Tampa.
Cheeks is picking:
Giants
Jacksonville
Seattle
Tampa
Pittsburgh
Hes picking his Eagles against my Boys as his upset pick. I admire his faith but laugh at his stupidity.
Have a good weekend.
MONDAY UPDATE
My winners this week so far (we still got the 'Boys and the Eagles tonight with four big points riding on it) were Giants, Arizona, and Pittsburgh to give me three points to add to last weeks three points to equal 6 points for the season.
Cheeks got the Giants, Tampa, and Pittsburgh right to give him three points also. We have a tie going into tonights game. I will either be up by one or he will be up by three. But with all that in mind I only have one thing to say: "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Lying Goracle



In Africa, drought continues for the sixth consecutive year. Gasp!
Record rainfall in parts of the U.S., Pakistan, and Japan causes some of the worst flooding in centuries. Oh No!
New England and all of Northern Europe have experienced their mildest winters ever on record. We Are So Screwed!


All of this was written in TIME Magazine, so it must be true, it just has to be the end of the world! The article goes on to say that all of this is the halmark for the beginning of the planet going into another ice age. Wait, ice age, huh? It’s all right there in the article from TIME Magazine and it’s dated: Monday, June 24, 1974. According to the article fossil fuel emissions were causing us to go into another ice age. Now, 30 years later, the same fossil fuel emissions are doing the exact opposite? WTF?


Thankfully, we can make up for our global transgressions by “going green”. The new way of cashing in on the populaces “Eco guilt”. We are all supposed to think that we are somehow to blame for messing up the planet. Maybe we are, I’m not saying we’re not. There’s some evidence that we are, but there is just as much that says we’re not. Even if we are what do we do about it? And whatever we come up with to do, will it even work?



The EPA, these days, should stand for Egregiously Pushy Assholes, as every day we are bombarded by warnings that the polar caps are melting, rivers are drying up, and polar bears are dying. All these “Eco Avengers” have made the green movement huge. These hypocrites are the same people that drive their SUV’s all around the planet going from one rally to the next trying to make me feel guilty! Let’s talk about the great, important, and awe inspiring job that is being done by the “American Hero” Mr. Al Gore. Al Gore has told us, through a highly exaggerated power point slide show, that our planet is in the middle of an “environmental emergency” called global warming. Oh, really?




John Coleman, the man who founded the Weather Channel (not the internet) and was also the original weather man on Good Morning America and is a meteorologist of the highest respect disagrees. Mr. Coleman states that global warming is "a fictional, manufactured crisis, and a total scam.". In 2008 he gave a speech before the San Diego Chamber of Commerce, blaming the "global warming scam" and environmentalist lobby, for rising gas and food prices. He also declared the scam "a threat to our economy and our civilization.". According to Coleman, the fluctuations in our global temperature are not caused by fossil fuel emissions but rather by the actual trends of solar activity. The change in temperature and of our climate is in direct correlation with the core temperature of the sun. Nothing at all to do with the use of hydrocarbons. The problem with this statement is there is no money to be made from the cause of global warming being the sun. Now who the hell does this Weather Channel guy think he is? Al Gore has to be right. He won an Oscar for Christ’s sake and he was given the Nobel Peace Prize. Wait, why was he awarded the Nobel Peace Prize? I guess that prophesizing doom is supposed to be peaceful?

Counselors and therapists are now making thousands of dollars on people who suffer from “Eco Anxiety”. Ever since the green movement took off these people have been popping up all over the planet trying to alleviate our guilt for doing things we believe are killing the planet. In case you are wondering if you have it, check out the symptoms; stomach ache, headache, feelings of nervousness but not knowing why, inattention or an inability to focus or concentrate. Even the Psychiatric Board of America, who are usually pretty goddamn goofy themselves, fail to recognize these symptoms or accept “Eco Anxiety” as a real diagnosis. That doesn’t stop these counselors from selling their treatments. The treatment, of course, does nothing for these “Eco Eeyores” but reinforce their green guilt.



Have you heard of the term “carbon footprint”? A carbon footprint is the amount of carbon dioxide or CO2 we produce. Unlike Cheeks, most of us are good and don’t want to destroy the world with their gases. So how can we be sure we are not flooding Mother Earth with our carbon? Shorter showers, lowering the thermostat in the winter, and wearing our clothes twice before we wash them. Done! Done! And Done! Shit, I guess I’m in the clear. In truth, 97% of all carbon is caused naturally and only 3% is actually man made. So what is the biggest natural causes? How about decaying plant matter, volcanoes, and forest fires. So I guess if Smokey the Bear was doing his frigging job and we banned volcanoes and decaying plant matter we’d all be in the clear. If all of this doesn’t put your mind at ease about how much carbon is in your footprint, how about buying some “carbon credits”?


Now what the hell is a carbon credit? A carbon credit is basically a voluntary guilt fine you can pay as another way of easing your troubled mind. In the late middle ages the Catholic church needed cash. They sent out official representatives to the masses called professional pardoners to speak to the sinners (read: everybody). These professional pardoners told the sinners that for a bit of cash their sins would be forgiven. No penance and no purgatory. Of course the bigger the sin, the bigger the fine. These fines were called “indulgences”. Suffer eternal agony or give up the fun of all those sins? You need a “get out of hell free card” and you get one if you pay the fun tax. But they sure were not free. These sin taxes were a huge money maker until Martin Luther came along in the 1500’s and cried “Bullshitteth”. What all this means is you offset your carbon usage with a carbon credit which is reinvested in renewable energy. Things like solar energy, wind power, and reforestation. None of the way that carbon credits are figured out is based on actual scientific method or formula. For that matter there is no standard of practice or oversight for how the money is actually used. Basically put, this all means that anyone could make up a web site and take money for these carbon credits and then use it for whatever they wanted. Nobody would really be that low would they? So is that what this bizarre hokey pokey is really all about? Not really saving the planet, just feeling less guilty.


Let’s get back to Al Gore, I didn’t forget about this douche bag. How is Al doing at walking the walk? According to public records, Al Gore uses about 20 times more electricity that the average American. In 2007 Gore’s twenty(yeah, 20) room mansion used over 191,000 kilowatts of electricity as opposed to the average American, who uses about 11,000 kilowatts. In one month the “heroic” Al Gore uses the amount most people use in 17 months. Looks like Al isn’t as worried as he says WE should be. Al Gore doesn’t even deny this fact. He is currently installing solar panels and changing his incandescent light bulbs with fluorescents. Wow, what a fucking martyr. Hold on while I wipe the stardust out of my eyes. Look, there was a tear there too. All of this Al Gore does and he also buys carbon credits to make up for it. But wait a minute, remember what I said about carbon credits and the web sites you can buy them from?

Al Gore started the company, Generation Investment Management, the company that owns the web site Al buys his carbon credits from. Holy shit, can this be true? He started the company in 2004. Two years before his Oscar winning little movie. So Al pays himself for his carbon credits. I wonder if everyone else that uses his web site to buy their carbon credits helped pay for the solar panels on his mansion? How’s that for an inconvenient truth? None of that really matters though because the true believers are the environmentalists. To them their beliefs are like a religion and if it’s like a religion then Al must really be a profit. Oh, sorry, prophet.


If you still feel guilty about your daily impact on the planet, send me twenty bucks that I can use in the Western Windmill Fund in Walla Walla Washington that we are going to use to power all of the adult diagnostic clinic there where people who have sexually abused emus and other large flightless birds are being rehabilitated so they can readjust and be sent back into the population.

Now give me a hug and start up the SUV I am so hitting the Starbucks!

Inappropriate Kid's Slide

I want one! And the music is priceless!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Monday Morning Quarterback






UPDATE

Here's our weekly update on the NFL season competition between Russ and I.

My picks and my score:
New England got past the Chiefs (without Tom Brady who might be out for the year with a knee injury. Sorry fantasy leaguers who had Brady. Too bad!)
The Eagles friggin' destroyed the Rams as I predicted.
San Diego and Indy went tits up and lost as well as my upset pick of the Browns.
I did rebound with picking Pittsburgh who beat the Texans almost as bad as the Eagles beat the Rams.

I got 3 points.

Russ' picks and score:
Russ also gets points from his New England and Philly picks.
He got bumpkiss with his San Diego and Indy picks like me. His upset pick of the Texans also did diddly.
Unfortunately he picked Dallas to beat the Browns.

Russ also gets 3 points. We got a tie after one week. Ooohhh, the tension mounts!